I want to handle this well
Perhaps you know something needs to change?
You might need to have a difficult conversation with somebody. You may be managing a situation between colleagues. Someone may have come to you because they are worried about how they are being treated.
Or perhaps, after reading some of the material here in Deeper Learning, you have started thinking about your own behaviour?
Whatever has brought you here, you probably want to handle what happens next well.
Handling something well does not mean having all the answers. It means slowing things down enough to think about what you are trying to achieve, the impact of your actions and what the safest and most constructive next step might be.
Start with what you want to achieve
Before deciding what to say, ask yourself a simpler question: What am I trying to achieve here?
Do you want a behaviour to stop? Do you want somebody to understand how their behaviour affected you? Are you trying to repair a relationship? Do you need to establish a boundary? Are you trying to help someone else? Have you begun to wonder whether your own behaviour needs to change? Or are you responsible for a team and trying to prevent something happening again?
Being clear about the purpose of a conversation can actually change the conversation.
Clear does not have to mean cruel
The work of author and former Google and Apple executive Kim Scott is useful here. Her idea of Radical Candour is based on combining genuine care with the willingness to be direct.
Those two things can sometimes become separated at work. We avoid saying something because we want to be kind, or we say it so aggressively that the message gets lost in the delivery.
There is another way.
You can be clear without humiliating someone. You can challenge behaviour without attacking character. You can disagree without diminishing someone. And you can hold high standards without creating fear.
That is particularly relevant in hospitality, where pressure, hierarchy and pace can sometimes make harsh communication feel normal.
Talk about what happened
If you decide to have a conversation, try to stay with what you actually observed.
Rather than:
“You’re a bully.”
consider:
“When you criticised me in front of the team yesterday, I felt undermined. I’d like feedback like that to be given to me privately.”
One labels the person. The other describes the behaviour, its impact and what you would like to happen differently.
That does not guarantee the conversation will go well, but it gives it somewhere constructive to begin.
What if it is happening to somebody else?
Sometimes you are not the person directly affected. You are the person who sees or hears something and wonders whether to step in.
Speaking up does not always mean confronting someone there and then. Depending on the situation, it might mean checking in privately with the person afterwards, challenging a comment, supporting someone who wants to raise a concern or speaking to an appropriate manager or colleague.
Yvette Whitwam’s work around bystander intervention explores how people can recognise inappropriate behaviour and develop the confidence and language to respond to it.
Prepare before you speak
A difficult conversation will rarely improve if we rush into it.
Write down what you want to say. Separate what you know happened from what you think the other person’s intention might have been. Think about specific examples, talk it through with somebody you trust and practise saying it aloud.
And think about timing and place. In the middle of a busy service, in front of others, following disappointing financial results or at the end of a tense boardroom meeting may not be the best time for an important conversation. Somewhere private, with enough time for both people to think and respond, may give the conversation a better chance of being constructive.
Preparation is not weakness. It is part of handling something well.
But a direct conversation is not always the answer
This is particularly important.
There can be an assumption that the brave thing to do is simply confront someone. That is not necessarily true.
If there is a significant power imbalance, if you feel intimidated or unsafe, if previous attempts to raise the issue have made things worse, or if the behaviour is particularly serious, speaking directly to the person may not be the appropriate first step.
You may instead want to speak to a manager, HR, a senior leader, a union or employee representative where relevant, or seek independent guidance. You can also contact ACAS for information about workplace rights and options.
Choosing not to confront someone directly does not mean you have failed to deal with the situation. Sometimes handling something well means recognising that you should not handle it on your own.
Why difficult conversations can become difficult very quickly
There is another reason preparation is important. Our brains react to perceived threat.
Good Apple Effect founding supporter Dulcie Swanston explores this through behavioural science and neuroscience, including SCARF (Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness) and PREFACE (Psychological Safety, Relatedness, Ethics and Equity, Fairness, Autonomy, Certainty and Ego).
Imagine being told:
“People are frightened of you.”
Even if there is truth in what follows, the brain may already have moved into defence – denial, anger, justification, counterattack or withdrawal.
That does not excuse the response, but understanding it can help us think about how we communicate, and that works both ways.
If you have been hurt, undermined or frightened by someone’s behaviour, you may enter the conversation already on high alert yourself. Two people in threat mode do not always make for a particularly productive conversation.
Sometimes a pause, preparation or independent support changes what happens next.
What if the behaviour might be yours?
This may be the hardest question in this article.
What if somebody tells you that your behaviour has affected them? The instinct to explain yourself can be powerful, with comments like: ‘That’s not what I meant.’ ‘You’ve misunderstood me.’ ‘I was under enormous pressure.’ Or ‘That’s just how I am.’
Perhaps some of those things are true. But before reaching for them, there is another possibility:
Listen.
You can disagree with someone’s interpretation and still be curious about their experience. You can have intended one thing and created a very different impact. And you can acknowledge that impact without accepting every interpretation of events.
This is where Ceri Gott’s work around conscious leadership is particularly relevant. She encourages senior leaders to examine the beliefs, assumptions, patterns and behaviours they bring into their leadership.
Leadership is not only about understanding everybody else; sometimes it is an inside-out job.
From accidental manager to purposeful leader
Yvette Whitwam, founder of Beanstalk HR and a founding supporter of the Good Apple Effect, describes the journey from “accidental manager” to “purposeful leader.” It is a useful distinction.
Hospitality is full of talented people who were promoted because they were excellent operators and suddenly found themselves responsible for other people. Nobody necessarily taught them how to give difficult feedback, how to challenge inappropriate behaviour, how to deal with conflict, how to recognise when banter has crossed a line or how to respond when somebody says they feel bullied. Those are skills that can be learned. And organisations have a responsibility to equip people to lead well rather than simply handing them authority and hoping for the best.
Sometimes the environment needs to change too
Professor Amy Edmondson’s work on psychological safety reminds us that an individual conversation takes place inside a wider culture.
You can teach somebody how to speak up. But what happens when they do?
If concerns are routinely dismissed, mistakes punished, difficult questions discouraged or powerful people protected, improving individual communication will only take you so far.
So if you are responsible for a team, ask yourself this: What happens here when somebody tells us something we would rather not hear?
The answer may tell you more about your culture than any values statement ever could.
You do not have to work it out alone
Sometimes the most useful next step is an independent conversation before the difficult one.
The Good Apple Effect has relationships with people who work across leadership, coaching, HR, culture and workplace wellbeing.
Ceri Gott works with senior leaders and teams around conscious leadership, culture and behaviour. Yvette Whitwam and Beanstalk HR work with organisations on anti-harassment, bystander intervention, purposeful leadership and the practical realities of managing people.
Matt Howcroft provides coaching and mentoring and can offer an independent space in which to think through a leadership or workplace situation.
For organisations wanting practical learning, Sideways Training also provides hospitality-specific online training, including material on sexual harassment and diversity and inclusion.
The right support depends on what is happening and what you are trying to achieve.
Not sure who to talk to?
You can write to the Good Apple Effect. hello@thegoodappleeffect.co.uk
Tell us a little about what you are looking for. We will not, repeat not, investigate the situation, provide therapy or decide who is right or wrong. But we can help signpost you towards an appropriate person, organisation or resource.
Where to find help and further support
Ceri Gott
Executive and team coaching, conscious leadership and organisational culture.
ceri@cerigott.com
cerigott.com
Yvette Whitwam — Beanstalk HR
Anti-harassment programmes, bystander intervention, HR support and management development.
yvette.whitwam@beanstalkhr.com
beanstalkhr.com
Dulcie Swanston — Top Right Thinking
Behavioural science, neuroscience, leadership development and team performance.
dulcie@toprightthinking.com
toprightthinking.com
Matt Howcroft — The Thinking Edge
Coaching and mentoring.
matt@thethinkingedge.co.uk
thethinkingedge.co.uk
Sideways Training
Hospitality-specific learning, including sexual harassment and diversity and inclusion training.
ACAS
Independent information and guidance about workplace rights, bullying, harassment and resolving workplace problems.
0300 123 1100
Licensed Trade Charity
Free confidential emotional, practical and financial support to anyone who works in or has previously worked in Licensed Hospitality.
24/7 free helpline: 0808 801 0550
Licensed Trade Charity website
Hospitality Action
The charity provides financial, emotional, and practical support to hospitality workers and their families when they need it the most. Serious illness, mental health issues, financial difficulties, family problems, or addiction, whatever challenges you might face, Hospitality Action is there to get you back on your feet.
24/7 helpline: 0808 802 0282
Good Apple Effect
Not sure where to start? Contact us and we can help signpost you towards relevant support: hello@thegoodappleeffect.co.uk
And if you want to take this thinking a little further, our Five Minute Learning piece on Servant Leadership explores a different way of leading: helping the people around you grow and perform at their best. You can also listen to Fairness Pays, which looks at the commercial case for better culture and how behaviour can affect performance, retention, customer experience and profit.
And finally sometimes it helps to hear how experiences like these have unfolded for other people. Listen to Chris’s story in our Real Life Stories section.
