Something doesn’t feel right
Whether you work in the kitchen, behind the bar, on the restaurant floor, in management or in a senior leadership role, this is a practical guide for when something at work just doesn’t feel right, and you are wondering whether misuse of power or bullying might be part of what you are experiencing.
Perhaps you have started dreading going to work? You get butterflies in your stomach or a feeling of dread as the working day approaches.
You find yourself rehearsing what you are going to say before a meeting. Someone makes a comment and everybody else seems to brush it off, but for you it is different. You are repeatedly criticised, undermined, left out or made to feel smaller than you used to feel.
Perhaps there has not been one dramatic incident you can point to. You just know that something doesn’t feel right. It is worth paying attention to that feeling.
It is not always obvious
Misuse of power and bullying do not always look like shouting, threats or an explosive ‘toys out of the pram’ confrontation. Sometimes they are much harder to pinpoint.
Being repeatedly undermined or dismissed. Being excluded or overlooked. Criticism that feels unfair or relentless. Controlling or intimidating behaviour. Someone using their position, influence or authority in a way that leaves you feeling anxious, diminished or uncertain.
And sometimes the difficulty is not just one incident at all – it is the pattern, and that can make it particularly difficult to explain to somebody else.
Each individual incident might appear relatively insignificant, but put them together over weeks or months and they can tell a very different story.
Whether you are a kitchen porter, chef, bartender, restaurant manager, head of department or managing director, power exists throughout hospitality, and it can be used well or misused.
Why am I questioning myself?
One of the confusing things about experiencing difficult behaviour is that we can begin questioning ourselves rather than the behaviour.
Am I overreacting? Did I misunderstand? Perhaps I am being too sensitive. Maybe I should just toughen up?
The work of researcher and author Brené Brown around shame, vulnerability and courage helps us understand why self-doubt can become part of the experience. When our confidence has been knocked repeatedly, it can become increasingly difficult to trust our own judgement.
There is another way of looking at it too.
Professor Amy Edmondson of Harvard Business School has spent decades researching psychological safety and whether people feel able to speak, question, disagree and admit mistakes without fear of humiliation or punishment.
So rather than only asking, “Why am I finding this so difficult to raise?”, another useful question could be: “What is it about this environment that makes it difficult to raise?”
That small change of question can be illuminating.
Look around you. What happens when somebody challenges a decision? How are mistakes treated? Whose voices are heard? Which behaviours are rewarded, tolerated or ignored? What happens to people who raise uncomfortable issues?
Sometimes understanding the environment helps us understand our own response to it.
Your brain may be doing its job
There is science behind some of this too.
Good Apple Effect founding supporter Dulcie Swanston , founder of Top Right Thinking and author of It’s Not Bloody Rocket Science, uses behavioural science and neuroscience to explain what happens when our brains perceive threat. Her work with models including SCARF (Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness) and PREFACE (Psychological Safety, Relatedness, Ethics and Equity, Fairness, Autonomy, Certainty and Ego) helps explain why our confidence can suddenly dip, why we may become defensive or anxious, why we replay conversations afterwards and why staying silent can sometimes feel safer than speaking.
That does not automatically tell us whether somebody else’s behaviour is bullying. It does help explain why our response to a difficult environment can be very powerful. Look out too for Dulcie’s exclusive films, which will be published here on the Good Apple Effect website later in 2026.
You do not have to decide everything today
Recognising that something feels wrong does not mean you have to make a complaint tomorrow morning, confront somebody or immediately decide what to call what has happened.
There are smaller steps to consider. Talk to someone you trust. That might be a colleague, friend or family member, or somebody completely removed from your workplace.
Consider keeping a simple record of what happens, including what was said or done, when it happened, who was present and how it affected you. Memories blur, particularly when situations are stressful. A simple factual record can help you see whether a pattern is developing.
Give yourself time to think, and trust yourself enough to remain curious about that feeling that something is wrong.
Sometimes another pair of eyes helps
You may want to talk things through with somebody independent. The Good Apple Effect has relationships with people working across coaching, leadership, workplace culture and wellbeing.
We can also signpost people towards holistic mentoring and support around confidence, self-worth and difficult workplace experiences.
Independent support can help people affected by unhealthy workplace cultures, as well as leaders seeking to create healthier ones. The Good Apple Effect can help you find and connect with the right specialist support.
Matt Howcroft also offers coaching and mentoring, providing independent space in which to think through leadership, workplace and personal challenges.
Different people need different things. Coaching may be appropriate for one person; professional counselling, HR guidance, legal information or simply talking to somebody trusted may be more appropriate for another.
There is support within hospitality
You do not necessarily have to look outside our industry.
The Licensed Trade Charity provides free confidential emotional, practical and financial support to anyone who works in or has previously worked in Licensed Hospitality. Hospitality Action provides financial, emotional, and practical support to hospitality workers and their families when they need it the most. Serious illness, mental health issues, financial difficulties, family problems, or addiction, whatever challenges you might face, Hospitality Action is there to get you back on your feet.
And if you need to understand your workplace rights or the options for raising an issue informally or formally, ACAS provides independent information and guidance about workplace problems, bullying, harassment, grievances and employment rights.
If you believe you are in immediate danger or need urgent medical or mental health support, seek appropriate emergency or professional help, of course.
Not sure who you need?
That is understandable too. There is a lot of help available and knowing which kind of support is right for your particular situation is not always straightforward.
You can write to the Good Apple Effect.
Tell us as much or as little as you feel comfortable sharing about the kind of help you are looking for. We will not investigate what happened or decide who was right or wrong. What we can do is help signpost you towards relevant organisations, resources or professional support.
And perhaps you simply want to understand
You may not be ready to do anything. That is fine. The next step might simply be understanding more about what you are experiencing, why certain workplace environments affect us as they do, and why people sometimes behave in ways that diminish others.
That is exactly why the next part of Deeper Learning exists: I want to understand this better.
Because sometimes the first step is not taking action. It is understanding what is happening.
Where to find help
Licensed Trade Charity
Free confidential emotional, practical and financial support to anyone who works in or has previously worked in Licensed Hospitality.
24/7 free helpline: 0808 801 0550
Licensed Trade Charity website
Hospitality Action
The charity provides financial, emotional, and practical support to hospitality workers and their families when they need it the most. Serious illness, mental health issues, financial difficulties, family problems, or addiction, whatever challenges you might face, Hospitality Action is there to get you back on your feet.
24/7 helpline: 0808 802 0282
ACAS
Independent information about workplace rights, bullying, harassment, grievances and workplace problems.
0300 123 1100
Matt Howcroft
Coach and mentor.
matt@thethinkingedge.co.uk
The Thinking Edge
Not sure who is right for you?
Contact the Good Apple Effect and tell us a little about the kind of support you are looking for. We can help signpost you towards an appropriate person, organisation or resource.
Hello@thegoodappleeffect.co.uk
And finally sometimes it helps to see how experiences like these have unfolded for other people. Read Allison and Nikka’s stories in our Real Life Stories section.
